How to survive an argument

(Proverbs 14:4) Where there are no oxen, the manger is empty, but from the strength of an ox come abundant harvests.

1. The fights.

Healthy conflicts lead to healthy relationships.

A. Never fight in public.

B. Don't yell.

C. Don't shut down.

(Song of Solomon 5:2-6) I slept but my heart was awake. Listen! My beloved is knocking: “Open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one. My head is drenched with dew, my hair with the dampness of the night.” I have taken off my robe—must I put it on again? I have washed my feet—must I soil them again? My beloved thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him. I arose to open for my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the handles of the bolt. I opened for my beloved, but my beloved had left; he was gone. My heart sank at his departure. I looked for him but did not find him. I called him but he did not answer.

• Create boundaries (in advance).

• Cap time of conflict (Don't go to bed angry Eph 4:26).

• Control words.

2.The  choice (the enemy infuses pride.  Try to separate your spouse from the enemy).

Listen.

Understand.

Validate.

Empathize.

Understanding begins when judgement is withheld.

(Song of Solomon 5:10-13) My beloved is radiant and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand. His head is purest gold; his hair is wavy and black as a raven. His eyes are like doves by the water streams, washed in milk, mounted like jewels. His cheeks are like beds of spice yielding perfume. His lips are like lilies dripping with myrrh.

In conflict, choose humility so that the power of God can work. 

(Song of Solomon 6:4-6) You are as beautiful as Tirzah, my darling, as lovely as Jerusalem, as majestic as troops with banners. Turn your eyes from me; they overwhelm me. Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock of sheep coming up from the washing. Each has its twin, not one of them is missing.

• I will intentionally listen(internal).

• I will seek to understand (internally by asking none threatening questions).

• I will verbally validate (external).

• I will resolve to empathize (eternal).

3. The reconciliation.

(Song of Solomon 6:11-12) I went down to the grove of nut trees to look at the new growth in the valley, to see if the vines had budded or the pomegranates were in bloom. Before I realized it, my desire set me among the royal chariots of my people.

A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers.  

– Ruth Bell Graham

Chris Hodges, Church of the Highlands

Video

https://www.churchofthehighlands.com/media/message/trouble-in-paradise1

Discussion Guide

https://www.churchofthehighlands.com/files/groups/guides/2-25-18.pdf

All scripture is from the New International Version unless otherwise noted.