How to survive an argument

(Proverbs 14:4) Where there are no oxen, the manger is empty, but from the strength of an ox come abundant harvests.

1. The fights.

Healthy conflicts lead to healthy relationships.

A. Never fight in public.

B. Don't yell.

C. Don't shut down.

(Song of Solomon 5:2-6) I slept but my heart was awake. Listen! My beloved is knocking: “Open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one. My head is drenched with dew, my hair with the dampness of the night.” I have taken off my robe—must I put it on again? I have washed my feet—must I soil them again? My beloved thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him. I arose to open for my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the handles of the bolt. I opened for my beloved, but my beloved had left; he was gone. My heart sank at his departure. I looked for him but did not find him. I called him but he did not answer.

• Create boundaries (in advance).

• Cap time of conflict (Don't go to bed angry Eph 4:26).

• Control words.

2.The  choice (the enemy infuses pride.  Try to separate your spouse from the enemy).

Listen.

Understand.

Validate.

Empathize.

Understanding begins when judgement is withheld.

(Song of Solomon 5:10-13) My beloved is radiant and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand. His head is purest gold; his hair is wavy and black as a raven. His eyes are like doves by the water streams, washed in milk, mounted like jewels. His cheeks are like beds of spice yielding perfume. His lips are like lilies dripping with myrrh.

In conflict, choose humility so that the power of God can work. 

(Song of Solomon 6:4-6) You are as beautiful as Tirzah, my darling, as lovely as Jerusalem, as majestic as troops with banners. Turn your eyes from me; they overwhelm me. Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock of sheep coming up from the washing. Each has its twin, not one of them is missing.

• I will intentionally listen(internal).

• I will seek to understand (internally by asking none threatening questions).

• I will verbally validate (external).

• I will resolve to empathize (eternal).

3. The reconciliation.

(Song of Solomon 6:11-12) I went down to the grove of nut trees to look at the new growth in the valley, to see if the vines had budded or the pomegranates were in bloom. Before I realized it, my desire set me among the royal chariots of my people.

A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers.  

– Ruth Bell Graham

Chris Hodges, Church of the Highlands

Video

https://www.churchofthehighlands.com/media/message/trouble-in-paradise1

Discussion Guide

https://www.churchofthehighlands.com/files/groups/guides/2-25-18.pdf

All scripture is from the New International Version unless otherwise noted.

How to win an argument

4 Causes of Conflict 

1.  Poor communication.  (Psalm 141:3)

2.  Unfulfilled expectations.  (James 4:1-2)

3.  Despising differences.  (Mark 3:25)

4.  The sin nature.  (Romans 3:23)

4 Ways to deal with conflict

1. My way.

2. Your way.

3. Half way.

4. God's way.  

I cannot change my circumstances until I let God change me.  

In conflict resolution, never...

1. Put it off.

2. Call names.

3. Raise your voice. 

4. Get historical. 

5. Say never or always.

6. Threaten.

  

Go to God first.  He can change the circumstances around you.  You have a choice. 

Conflict cannot continue without my participation.  

1.  I will act and not react.  (Ephesians 4:26-27)

2.  I will focus on the good things in you.  Philippians 4:8)

3.  I will apply God's grace to you.  (Romans 12:19-21)

4.  I will remember God's grace to me.  (1 John 4:8-11)

Chris Hodges, Church of the Highlands

How to avoid an argument

1. Stop and think before speaking.

2. Don't speak to win an argument.

3. Don't say something because it is true.

4. Speak for the benefit of others.

5. You can't honor God with your words if you dishonor others with your words.

6. Honor your wives, so your prayers will not be hindered. (1 Peter 3:7)

(Andy Stanley)

People out of reach?

How to have challenging conversations with challenging people?  

The biggest question is not if we argue, but how we argue.  Healthy arguments are for resolution.  Unhealthy arguments are to win.   

Never call names.  

Never raise voice.  

Never get historical.  

Never say always.  

The biggest communication barrier is the assumption that communication has ever taken place.  

Treat people the way that you’d like for them to respond.  

Seek first to understand not to be understood.  

Always treat people with respect.  

Be forgiving.  

Let others reap the consequences of their decisions, or they’ll never change.  

Have compassion by allowing their pain to enter your heart.   Don’t think in terms of me but we.  

You don’t measure your maturity by how much you know, but how much you love.  

Humility is a kingdom principle which all blessings flow.  It is a willingness to admit that you don’t know everything.  Humility reveals itself by listening to others.  

When you argue with what God says that is called pride.  When I agree with what God says that is called humility.  Humility is making decisions with other people in mind.  

Pride gets us out of step with God. 

Don’t let your feelings make your decisions for you.  

Examine yourself every day for pride. 

We determine when God can bless us. 

Idolatry is whatever becomes the center of our life.  

Witchcraft is the sin of trying to control someone else.  

Pride is getting upset when your agenda is not working out.  

We want to change situations.  God wants to change us.  

Religion always begins with bad news.  Relationship says I’ve been where you’ve been.   Religion closes the door.  They may smell like cigarettes and alcohol, but that's better than the stench of pride.  What is in your life that is dead or dying?  

The first step of fixing something is identifying that it’s  there.   

Add valve to other’s lives.  Don’t start by preaching sin.  Ask how can I help you?  Then, you will gain the privilege of influencing them.  

Try to create community with people.  

Remember a leader doesn’t have to do everything.  

Use encouragement.  

Don’t point out flaws and failures.  

Don’t do what you do to get recognition.  

The culture doesn’t need to see you, but to see Jesus in you.  

You’re going to live a life that demands an explanation or not?

Excerpts taken from Church of the Highlands notes.     

How to Win an Argument

1. Don't call names.

2. Don't raise your voice.

3. Don't bring up past conflicts.

4. Avoid the use of the words always and never.

5. (With spouse) Never threaten divorce.

6. (With spouse) Never takes sides with a child over a spouse in front of the child.

7. Do acts of kindness and service when not in conflict.

8. In good times, tell the other person what you like about them, and invite them to tell you how you can improve the relationship. This should open the door for you to tell them how to do things to improve the relationship with you.

9. Never go to bed angry.

10. Think through the effect of your words before you say them.

11. Ask yourself before speaking. 

Is the problem arising because I'm being selfish? Is the problem mine or theirs?

12. Recognize the true enemy is not the other person, but Satan who is trying to destroy you and your relationship with the other person.

(Craig Groeschel)