De-escalate Conflict

1.  Lower your voice.

“A gentle response will calm a person's anger, but harsh words stir up intense fury.” Proverbs 15:1

o The more that I raise my voice, the more the other person raises their voice. 

  

( The more I raise my voice the more I lower my intellect.)

o Mirror Brain Neurons:

  

We have ability to feel what we see.    In an argument, the way that I act the other person will reflect me.  

“The quiet words of a wise person are more effective than the shouting of a leader of fools.” Ecclesiastes 9:17 (NIV) 

2. Breathe and slow down the pace of your speaking.  

“A fool gives full vent to his anger, but by biding his time, the wise man calms it down.” Proverbs 29:11 (NAB) 

“People with hot tempers start fights and cause trouble, but a calm, cool spirit keeps the peace.” Proverbs 15:18 (Mes/NCV) 

“If a ruler (or anyone else) loses his temper against you, don't panic! A calm disposition quiets intemperate rage.” Ecclesiastes 10:4 (Mes) 

3.  Listen more than you talk.   

(Pride is the source of all conflict.  Why is so hard to listen to the people we love the most?)

“Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” James 1:19 (NLT)  

“Arrogant know-it-alls stir up discord, but wise men and women listen to each other's counsel.” Proverbs 13:10 (Mes)

4.  Listen for the hurt behind their words.  

(Don't argue over words.  Ask yourself what is my mood and theirs?)

  

“Each heart knows its own bitterness . . .” Proverbs 14:10 (NIV) 

5.  Pray while you're listening.   Pray God.  Calm me down.

  

“Gideon built an altar for worshiping the Lord and he called it ‘The Lord Calms Our Fears.’” Judges 6:24 (CEV) 

“God stills the raging oceans, quiets the noise of roaring waves, and calms the uproar of the peoples.” Psalm 65:7 

6.  Seek to understand before seeking to be understood.

   

“A person who answers without listening is foolish and disgraceful.” Proverbs 18:13 (ICB) 

7.  Try to see from their point of view.

  

“Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.”Philemon 2:4-5 (NIV) 

8.  Ask God. Give me a clear picture of myself. 

“Search me, O God and examine my heart; test me and know my nervous thoughts. Point out anything in ME that is wrong. Then lead me on the path that is always right.”Psalm 139:23-24 

9.  Admit any part of the conflict that you caused.   

(We can only change our own behavior.)

Jesus: “Why do you notice the little piece of dust in your friend's eye, but you don't notice the big piece of wood in your own eye? First, take the wood out of your own eye. Then you will see clearly to take the dust out of your friend's eye.”Matthew 7:3, 5 (NCV)

10.  Choose your words carefully.

“Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Proverbs 12:18 (NIV) 

“Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed.” Ephesians 4:29 (TEV)

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the children of God!” Matthew 5:9 (NIV)

God's Plan in Pain

Wisdom is...thinking from God's point of view.

  

Repentance... is changing the way you think to the way God thinks.

Pain... If you focus on it's purpose, it is much easier to handle. 

  

God uses pain to help us find our purpose.

  

Pain can be a stepping stone to maturity or a stumbling block in your relationship with God. 

We must harvest our hurts.  

We must gain from our pain. 

God doesn't create the pain, but He does use it.  

When you are in pain, run to God and not away from Him.

God's number purpose in my pain is to make me like Jesus.  

If God is making me to be like Jesus, He will take me through what Jesus went through.

Pain never leaves you where it found you. 

Resilience is the number factor of success. 

We all fall, but not everyone gets up. 

We must have a eternal viewpoint.  

We must look past the pain.  

Your greatest ministry will come out of your deepest pain.

Our witness comes out of how we handle our weaknesses and not out of our strengths.  

Our suffering gives us our credibility not success.    

Tell God exactly how you feel about your pain. 

Worship God in all the phases of grief. 

Rick Warren, Saddleback Church 

How to Help the Hurting

Your pain causes you to be more sensitive to others in pain.  

A. It causes you to be less selfish.

  

B. The deeper the pain someone is going through.  The fewer words you use.

C. Don't try to cheer people up in their grief.  Enter into it with them. 

Rick Warren, Saddleback Church 

Life's 5 purposes

1.  Know God and love Him... Worship.

2.  Love other people... Fellowship.

3.  Grow up spiritually to be like Christ...  Discipleship.

4.  Learn to serve others... Ministry.

5.  Share your life message with others...  Mission.

Rick Warren, Saddleback Church

The Four Levels of Fellowship

A. Sharing our lives together.

B. Studying the Bible together.

C. Serving our communities together. 

D. Suffering with each other together.

Rick Warren, Saddleback Church

Your Greatest Purpose

Your greatest purpose is to allow God to love you.  

John 3:16  (NIV)

16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son (Jesus), that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

God didn't make you to be someone else. 

God does not bless fakes or phonies.

  

Be who God made you to be.

God didn't make you for the approval of others. 

Most of us start out as originals, but end up as copies.

Nothing is more discouraging than trying to please everyone.

  

Even God cannot do that.

  

Only a fool would try to do something that even God cannot do.

God can't please everyone.

Fear of rejection makes us try to conceal who we really are.

The more that I think about me.  The more discouraged I become.

When you think that it's all about you, you get prideful, fearful, or discouraged.

  

God did not make you to be the center of the universe. 

Your life message is about God. 

God is always more interested in why you do what you do more than what you are actually doing.

If you forget the why, you'll get discouraged and quit.

  

Why do you do what you do?

You get discouraged when you can't do what is humanly possible. 

You can't fix everybody's problems.

You can't be in more than one place at a time.

  

You can't spend the money that you don't have.  

When you do, that's called debt.

Is is easier to fill your schedule than to fulfill your schedule?

Isn't it easier to make a promise than to keep it?

God sometimes puts His greatest gifts in the weakest people.

  

That way God's glory shines through. 

If God only used perfect people, nothing would get done because there aren't any.

God uses weak people, so His strength can flow through us. 

If you attach purpose to your pain, you can endure it. 

You greatest ministry will come out of your deepest hurt if you'll be honest with God and other's about it. 

There is internal motivation, external motivation, and eternal motivation.  

Hebrews 12:2 (NIV)

2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.

 For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  

Don't focus on your problems, but look past them into eternity. 
   

Rick Warren